Part 7 of a continuing series, (see Part 1 here), documenting and reflecting on a set of states I mapped and moved in 2008. The set revolves around a deeply buried, internalized violence taken on in childhood and adolescence in response to experiences with my father.
This state, Contempt, is a perfect example of the way nearly everything we experience as outside of ourselves has a mirror image buried deep within ourselves. My Contempt hated those I saw as abusive and unconscious, yet its true function was to guarantee I remained unaware of the Vicious Enforcer within myself.
“Like a venomous gaze with hate oozing from every pore. An energy that emanates like heat waves from the whole front of my body, concentrated in my face and chest. Not about taking action in confrontation. It’s almost a double-direction energizing, with energy coming back into me to drive the Reasonableness.
“Orange color, radiant streamers of energy. Hot. Extends out quite far in physical space, at least a few yards, and infinitely in psychic space, to reach idiots around the globe. Sound is a contemptuous muttering, my own voice. A slight hissing sound like steam escaping a boiler.
“For authoritarian others. This drives the Angry at Myself, for being like them. Any sign of dominance with a lack of consciousness about the oppression of others triggers this, which drives my own Reasonableness and Disengagement. I will NOT participate in that shit. I HATE those men who don’t get it and especially that they poison the image of all men, including me, forcing me to overcompensate in the other direction… Hm, maybe this is what I really hate, that I feel forced to balance things out. This is always the case, in groups for example, when men dominate the conversation. I will not express myself but will focus on trying to draw out the ones being trampled on and push back on the dominance to make space for them. I hate that I don’t get to express myself because of these Neanderthals.
“I have to work so goddamned hard to clean up after these fucking goons. Why do I have to do this? Why do I have to figure out how things really work? Why do I have to spend so much of my life digging around in the debris left in my soul from these fuckheads? Why do I have to be the one to tell people how NOT to be this, how NOT to live this way? Why does THIS have to be my job? God damn it!
“’You suck! I hate your sweat and your big hairy fucking bodies and your cocky attitudes. I hate your blind trampling over everything beautiful and good. I hate your destructiveness. I hate everything about you.’”
Whoa. Pretty hard core, yes? Can you see how this Contempt holds clear the example, projected outside myself, of what I must avoid at all costs? It increases the pressure and the urgency to keep Vicious Enforcer tightly contained.
Let’s look at another angle of this Contempt. Now keep in mind that a feeling state shapes both belief and perception. The kinds of thoughts and perceptions that came naturally to me in this state were congruent with the Contempt. So having an active Contempt state within me meant that no matter whether there were true authoritarian jerks around me or not, I would look for them, and even see them in places they didn’t actually exist. This state needed an enemy to do its job, and it needed to do its job to keep Vicious Enforcer under control.
In other words, if I didn’t have an enemy, I would have created one. And believe me, I did just that. Most of them were abstract “them” sort of people I read about in the news or saw on the internet. But I sought them out, voraciously reading everything about all the evil things George Bush and his cronies were doing, for example. I needed George Bush in order to maintain the inward confinement of my own Vicious Enforcer. Can you see how this works, maybe in yourself in some context?