Part 14 of a continuing series, (see Part 1 here), documenting and reflecting on a set of states I mapped and moved in 2008. The set revolves around a deeply buried, internalized violence taken on in childhood and adolescence in response to experiences with my father.
Over the previous few days during which I had succeeded in moving Powerless and Miasma of Abuse, I had made at least two attempts to release the Vicious Enforcer. Let me first share the results of those attempts, and then describe the actual shift into the ideal state. As with all the others, the sections in italics are directly from my mapping notes in 2008.
In the first attempt, all I could do was to touch into the state from the position of having mapped the entire set. Mapping the set gave context for the state, and I could see its functionality, which helped reassure me that I could trust it.
“This is about creating harmony, in current form by eliminating disruptions to harmony… Some kind of consolidation is happening, a calming down and strengthening. No need to force it. I know what I know… Immoveable.”
A few days later, before the first nudge of Miasma of Abuse, I surrendered myself to a full-fledged, active imagination exercise in which I gave Vicious Enforcer permission to play out its desired scenario without imposing my own logic or judgment. The result was a rich, shamanic-like journey. My very sparse notes:
“Journey: Woods, I am a werewolf, but there are no people to attack… I am flying above the world, fury, hurling huge firebombs at cities, government, corporate power, culminating in achieving darkness all around the globe… then an ease, settling back to earth, to a green village, people, smiling, joyful living, simple, lots of green, much life and laughter… I just want to be one of them… just want a place to call home… As I connect with people, with laughter, with appreciation, I begin taking a leadership role. I am the one who reminds people what they already know. That is what true authority, true leadership, is.”
I took a step back at that point, not yet able to fully inhabit the ideal state and needing to allow a few days of integration. During this time I moved Miasma of Abuse and Powerless as described in yesterday’s post. Finally, on the same day after moving those two, I stepped back into Vicious Enforcer to fully move it.
(A comment on process: When using an exercise like the active imagination I describe here, or others I will share with you at some point, to “loosen up” a state that’s been locked in place for decades, I will almost always return to the notes for the originally-mapped reactive state to fully inhabit that state before doing the explicit Feelingwork moving process. Doing that tends to deliver a more powerful experience.)
Vicious Enforcer becomes Truth Blaze.
“A column of light, a pillar of light, as big around as my body, extending above and below me many yards, perhaps as far as 30 feet in each direction. It is anchored by the light within me, which is my personal wavelet/expression of the Shared Light. Provides a kind of photonic “lubrication” for passage of the Power Flow through me.
“There is a kind of hum, a high-tension vibration like that within an electromagnet or around high-voltage wires. This pillar is rock steady and resists perturbation, although it is flexible, the way a high-density magnetic field would yield movement for an object suspended in it, but would return that object firmly to its centered place. The pillar can flex, but always returns strongly to its vertical position.
“Top and bottom fade out over the most distal several feet; all around me though is high-density. This light is almost opaque it is so bright, but is soft, not blinding; you can see through it if you squint. Color is mostly white, glistening.
“I am me. I am strong. I know what I am here for. I am here to promote dancing among the spirits of all people, to show fighting for the wasteful illusion it is.
“I represent the light shared by all of us; it is within me and I see it in you. I stand for the sharing of our light, each by all. My light burns through the shadows of illusion, reveals them as simply a mistaken obscuring of the true light within all of us.
“I am a blaze of wise truth-telling. I shrink at nothing in order to spread my message of shared light, dancing. I laugh in the face of resistance, because I know it is illusory. I laugh with joy to dance with those who might at first disagree with me. How can they know what I represent?
“I am speaking out. I am writing. I am holding forth in many venues. I have an ever-expanding audience. People understand what I am saying because I am speaking to the light within them. I see it. I dance with it. I am connected to truth.”
This turned out to be the Context Presence part of the nine-part set. (At some point I intend to introduce the nine-part architecture in these articles.) The Context Presence part is typically experienced as the “me” or sense of identity for the whole set of nine. So it makes sense that this single state, Vicious Enforcer, had the ability to fully organize the entire set of nine paths around it in a tightly locked configuration of reactive states. It held the position of being “me,” and thus beyond any hope for change. I had been experiencing its state as an incontrovertible condition of my being, and found all the other ways to compensate for its existence. Once it had gained access to its ideal state, Truth Blaze, I had a new anchor.
Moving these three states had taken me the better part of a day. I was exhausted. The next day I took my laptop to the local café to continue the work. Getting out of my isolated apartment into a public space sometimes made it easier for me to stay focused, hold the structure of the process, and plow through the elicitation questions no matter how uncomfortable I might be with the states.