Part 13 of a continuing series, (see Part 1 here), documenting and reflecting on a set of states I mapped and moved in 2008. The set revolves around a deeply buried, internalized violence taken on in childhood and adolescence in response to experiences with my father.
Now we’re ready to take a wild ride through the journey of each one of these parts as they transform from their reactive feeling states to powerful and resourceful ideal states. Because the entire set seemed to pivot around Vicious Enforcer, I tried moving it first. But it just wouldn’t budge, mostly because the state was so intense I couldn’t bear to be in it for more than a few milliseconds at a time.
So I turned my attention to Miasma of Abuse. My assessment was that because this state held pervasive and all-encompassing assumptions about the nature of the entire world I inhabited. In the context of this state’s view of things, Vicious Enforcer was a necessary defense to protect against the everpresent onslaught of bad behavior. As long as that threat continued to exist, it would be loathe to give up its readiness to attack.
Miasma of Abuse becomes Shared Light of Joyful Being.
In my first foray into Miasma, I simply surrendered to it, fully and completely.
“Image: let it completely seep into me, stop resisting it… it begins to dissipate, become clearer; becomes fresh and clean air; an energy? strong…”
That was enough for the moment, and I let that integrate for a couple of days. In my next visit, I went all the way through to the ideal state.
“From the other night, this turns into the light of human goodness, the ability to see the strong heliotropic pull in every human being toward wholeness, and to trust that above all, especially above expressions of shadow, fear, and pain that come out as abuse and authoritarian control.
“An infinite field of light, with points of light in every person’s heart including my own. There is a sense of joyfulness and play about it, the lights are dancing or at least wanting to dance, individually and together. There is a rhythm that unites all the lights, yet each can vary on that rhythm to dance its own dance.
“Warm, white lights in a field of dark, radiant blue, quite beautiful, like half-moon-size stars in a twilight sky, stretching out around the globe. Sounds of light laughter and play, some giggling, some pleasurable sighs, some yeses, many voices.
Now that Miasma of Abuse was no longer a pervasive threat, the other parts were free to begin to move. Powerless was the next to release. To start the moving process with this state, I chose to use an alternative technique similar to Jungian Active Imagination. I surrendered to the imagery that wanted to emerge from the state and followed it fully throughout the scenario it wanted to create, kept following it, asking what wants to be now, and now, and now. The brief notes from that journey follow. To begin, I returned to my dream of being imprisoned by the abuser.
Powerless becomes Power Is Connected Flow.
“[Journey: Quivering intensifies – it gets stronger. I am lying on the floor, shaking spasmodically, saying to the tall, jack-booted, masked abuser, ‘Come on, dance with me… you know you want to… go ahead and hit me… as soon as you do, we are dancing, you with me, I with you… you can’t escape it; we are wedded by coexistence.’ I laugh, and my spasms become quakes of laughter. ‘Yes,’ I cry out, ‘you MUST dance with me, because how can you not?’ In my laughing I feel powerful; and I see the look of confusion beneath the mask, in the whole body’s hesitation, awkwardness. I laugh harder. ‘And now,’ I say, ‘tell me what you really want, and together we shall dance it into being.’]
“A strong energy, flowing through me, into and out of me, into and out of others. It is an energy of doing, of being together, of our communal dance, our dancing one another’s dreams into being.
“It flows vertically through me, and out in all directions to flow vertically through others. Sometimes up, other times down, it is not important. Upward is me giving explicitly, and receiving more implicit support; downward is me receiving explicitly, and giving more implicit support. Back and forth, like breathing.
“Lusciously warm, moist and tingly. A juicy, vibrant red, like arterial blood and brighter than that. The energy flows like a liquid, easy and quick at times, gentle and languid at other times. Always there is no resistance, and flow through me instantly connects to flow through one or more others.
“Sound of deep flow, and something like the breath of the planet… sound of great laughter shared among many people, laughter for its own sake, in naked appreciation for life itself and our shared experience of it.
“I am mischievous, playful, and utterly confident in the drive toward joyful wholeness in others. I invite others to dance in many playful and serious ways, always with lightness, always with respect for what I know is the deeper truth in everyone, the desire to belong, to be significant, to matter, to contribute, to participate.
“At the same time, I have no tolerance for false divisions among people. I can easily challenge such talk and action because I am calling everyone to something more true. They are like children who have been taught poorly, who are only doing what they know in order to feel safe. As soon as they feel the invitation to show up, to drop their defenses, they are glad to do so. It is my job to make those invitations compelling, to reach them where they are, to touch them despite the walls they have put up, and I can do that because I know the purpose of the walls and the manner of their construction.
“I have a great capacity for compassion and love for every being.”
I could sense that the next state that needed to move was Vicious Enforcer. Every other remaining state was oriented toward controlling it, and as long as it was active, the other states were likely to resist moving. But even after moving Miasma and Powerless, the Vicious Enforcer state was so intense I could not bear to access it for more than a few moments at a time, and it felt too overwhelming to move. Keep in mind I was doing this alone and had only myself to hold the structure of the process. (It’s much easier when you are able to hand the process structure over to a facilitator.)