Connection-Phobic becomes Resurrection
The Reactive Configuration
Rebecca called her anxiety, “Connection-Phobic.” On the surface was a state she called Irritation, being pissed off when people weren’t happy with her even though she was trying to please them. Part of the Irritation was related to feeling that people were trying to control her. She identified and mapped a feeling she called Being Controlled. Fighting back was Resistance to Being Controlled, saying, “No!” In reaction to all of this she discovered a sick feeling she called Painful Disconnect. Feeling further into this, she noticed a part she called Deeply Worthless, which believed she was unworthy. Then she got in touch with an anxiety she called Destruction Inside, feeling doomed. At the same time, another part felt abandoned in her pain, which she identified as Needing to Be Rescued.
Despite these vulnerable inner states, Rebecca sometimes came across to others as cold and guarded, a feeling she identified as Armored. Finally she identified a part that helped her function day-to-day, Stuffing Feelings. This state obscured the other feeling states and said, “Everything is OK. I’m fine as long as everyone is happy.” Of course, that motivated her to try to keep everyone happy, but with Deeply Worthless at the core, her attempts failed, triggering the Irritation and keeping the whole cycle churning. She carried a hidden expectation of being deeply disappointed in her connections because of an underlying feeling that she was not worthy of caring and support. So she maintained a kind of irritable defensiveness with many people.
The Ideal Configuration
Getting started with the shifting process, Stuffing Feelings was in the foreground, trying to do its work of minimizing the underlying distress. We started there, and it turned into an inner flow of energy Rebecca called Golden Bliss Kisses. Now she could more easily access Deeply Worthless, and we shifted that into a radiant presence she called I Am Present. Then we transformed Needing to Be Rescued to a strong inner power she called Solid, Powerful Love; Painful Disconnect became Powerful Connection; Destruction Inside expanded into infinity, becoming I Am Love. From there, Irritation became a pulsing energy she called Vibrantly Grounded. Being Controlled shifted quickly to a state of feeling supported she called I Am Exalted. Resistance to Being Controlled then felt free to turn into Fire of My Truth. Finally, Armored was ready to lay down the defenses, and it became a web of filaments connecting her skin to her heart, Connected Through Self.
Color is like a golden orgasm. Warm, concentrated liquid, distinct. Pouring in through top, down through inside of body and outside, out feet. Sound is an “Ahhh” and giggle, orgasm.
I feel good. I am bathed in joy.
Sticky black tar. Filling my pelvic girdle, moving with slow churning as if by worms. Warm/neutral temp.
I am hopeless. I am disgusting and shameful. I am unworthy. I should change, be better, do better, but I cannot.
Multiple stars like paint balls bursting with impact. Energy, light. Orange, gold, luminescent. Hot (but good). All through my body with concentration in my abdomen. In a constant state of being radiant, pulsing. Caught mid explosion, like a snap shot. Sound like a paint ball of energy exploding.
I am present. I am fully alert and alive. I am awake and open.
Throat, upper lungs; solid; cool, like steel; stainless steel color; squeezing, hurts, pressure from throat to stomach; sound, “Help me!”
Why won’t you help me? I need to be rescued. I’m dying and you don’t care.
Warmer than body; solid, golden, glowing energy; golden and metallic mercury; heart; strong, outward movement; sound of a powerful hum; more powerful in twos, presence energy; magnetic pull.
I can feel it in me, and I can feel it in you. I am solid, strong, powerful, attracting the same.
Sick feeling through back of torso and concentrated in stomach and pelvis; oozing tar, heavy, thick, sticky; uncomfortably warm, triggers hot flash; black; turning, pulsing, oozing as if by worms.
I am truly alone even with you. Painful disconnect. You never really loved me.
Fiber optic water energy. Light blue, shimmering. Flowing from back spine through heart and upper chest; movement out and back in. Body temperature. Sound like drops of water and bells.
I am in awe of this conduit. I am open and grand. My connection to others has a wide bandwidth.
Crackling energy, numb. Cold like a chill. One inch outside, three inches inside. Gray. Crackling like cellophane. Mostly a fine particle energy, some larger streamers. Moving in and out randomly; vibrating erratically.
My being has no home. There is no safety and no escape. I am not loved.
Warm, fine, uniform energy, buoyant, weightless; golden, sparkly, ocean of golden sand; washing through me, everywhere; waves, dancing with sentience; sound is an ocean of gold, singing angel voices.
I am weightless. I am carried. I am held. I am free flowing. I am love or anything I want to be.
Fast-vibrating energy. Pinkish red. Swirling up through feet, through body and back out through feet. Hot at feet, cooler in body. Sound of burning, like a forge.
I am anchored to source as reference.
Like hard rubber, pushing down on head and shoulders; through back, gripping and crushing my heart. Neutral temp. Black.
I am being controlled by you. You are trying to make me be someone else. I am not good enough for you.
Hot, radiant light energy at my heart center and through my full body. Red. Movement is outward.
I am solid in my being, clear minded, clear hearted. Integrity is solid. Holder of integrity. Holder of my truth.
Full metal jacket; wrought iron cage, rustic black iron. One or two inches outside my whole body. Cool. No movement.
You can’t hurt me. I am tough. I dare you to try! I am invincible to emotional harm.
White, tiny web filaments connecting my skin energy to my heart. Movement is a kiss, a whisper, a feather.
I can feel my feelings. I am in touch with my experience. I am responsive and interactive with those with whom I connect.